The stresses and benefits of shyness

“Everybody was having a good time but me. Everybody had a boyfriend or girlfriend except me.” That’s how psychologist Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D. describes the way he felt as a shy teenager. “You feel you are missing out on so much,” he adds. Dr. Carducci directs the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast.

What do we mean when we say someone is shy? And is shyness bad, good, or something in-between?

According to various surveys, roughly two of every five people consider themselves shy. Shyness affects the way people feel, think, and behave. According to Dr. Carducci, shy people focus too much on their own feelings and fears. They judge themselves harshly, and worry that others will do the same. When a shy boy is introduced to a girl, his thoughts are focused on the negative: “I sound stupid, my acne is worse, and she’s not going to like me.” So, he looks at his feet, and lets the conversation trail off.

Shy people also may have what’s called an “attributional bias.” They blame themselves when things go awry. What’s more, they assume the problem is some broad-based trait that can’t be changed. On the other hand, if things go well, they give credit to outside factors. Picture a shy girl at a wedding reception. If she has fun dancing, it’s because her partner was kind and talented. If her conversation with that cute guy was awkward—well, she’s always been bad at small talk.

Shyness in a nutshell

• Shy people are withdrawn, but not anti-social. “Shy people are highly social,” says Dr. Carducci. “They want to be around others but find it difficult to do so. The shyness holds them back.” They want to interact with other people, but are blocked by fear of being rejected or embarrassed.  Researchers call this an “approach-avoidance conflict.”

• Shy people are slow to warm up. They need extra time to adjust to a new situation, and to become less self-consciousness in that situation.

• Shy people have a limited comfort zone. “Shy people have a smaller social support network,” says Bernardo Carducci, Ph.D. “They have friends, but they have fewer friends. They do things, but they tend to do the same things again and again.”

Featuring: Bernardo Carducci, Ph.D.

Are we born shy, or made shy? “It’s definitely a little bit of both,” says Heather A. Henderson, Ph.D., of the University of Miami’s department of psychology. Most people feel shy at times; it’s a normal part of personality.

But some people are born with a shy temperament. “Behavioral studies can pick out the child who’s highly reactive to novelty and unfamiliar places, as early as four months of age,” notes Dr. Henderson. Faced with strangers or new situations, a shy child may withdraw or freeze up, or seem afraid or upset. This sort of anxious temperament tends to run in families.

Inside the shy brain

In neuroimaging studies, researchers see physical differences in the way people with shy temperaments react to stressful images or situations. Some studies use functional magnetic resonance imagery (fMRIs), a way to safely make color videos showing tiny changes in brain blood flow patterns. Shy brains react more strongly to pictures of unfamiliar or angry faces. They over-focus on potential threats.

“Even at a subconscious level, their brains are very responsive to faces expressing anger,” says Dr. Henderson. “Their attention is drawn to, and stays on, things that could be scary.”

Being hypersensitive to danger can be a very good thing, and no doubt saved many of our ancestors from wolves or lions. But in everyday life, it can be a problem. Over time, a child who’s always on guard comes to view the world as a scary place. She may also misperceive ordinary behavior as threatening.

We see this when shy children misread social cues, such as body language or facial expressions. When looking at photos of children’s faces, shy kids are more likely to say a neutral face looks sad, a surprised face looks afraid, or a sad face looks angry. This can lead to social difficulties. If you think that someone you’re talking with looks bored or irritated, you’ll feel awkward and end the conversation.

It’s okay to be shy

Could your brain be “prewired” for shyness? If so, it’s not necessarily bad. Shyness has often been viewed as a problem to be fixed. But this is true only if you feel controlled or restricted by it. Popular opinion and research are moving toward a more balanced view of shyness.

In many parts of the world, shy behavior is rewarded. Children living in these cultures are not supposed to look adults in the eye. However, “in North American cultures, shyness is not a valued trait; we value bold behaviors and assertiveness,” says Dr. Henderson. “If a shy person is living in place where shyness is not valued, if his teacher and peers don’t understand it, it can turn into a problem.”

Shyness may have a biological origin, but that doesn’t mean you’re stuck. Experiences can alter the way your brain processes information. You may still get butterflies in your stomach in new situations, but you can learn ways to manage them. You can also minimize problems by choosing work and social environments that suit your temperament.

Helping your shy child

If your child is standing at the edge of playground, afraid to join the group at the sandbox or slide, your first impulse may be to step in and make introductions. Instead of smoothing the way for your child, coach her on strategies to do it herself. If you had been a shy child, and recall how that feels, it can be hard to back off. But research shows that your child will do better if you cheer her on from the sidelines and encourage independence.

Train your child to focus less on potentially scary things. Talk about the positives in a new situation, or what your child likes about an event.

Remember, shyness comes out with new people and new situations. At the dinner table with familiar people, your child may be laughing and relaxed. But starting a new school year, or attending soccer practice for the first time, triggers those feelings of unease. Make an extra effort to arrange play dates with one or two children with similar interests, so your child sees a familiar face when he starts school. If possible, try to keep him with the same teacher or classmates when he moves up a grade.

Even having one good friend in the new class to hang out with makes a big difference to a shy child. And shy children are often wonderful friends. “A shy child, even from an early age, tends to be high in empathy,” Dr. Henderson notes. Her circle of friends may be small, but those friendships are probably close and supportive.

Parents need to keep close tabs on what’s happening in the classroom. “I do sometimes worry that teachers pass over shy kids,” says Dr. Henderson. “And if a child isn’t engaged socially in a classroom, academics can lag behind.” The obedient shy child, sitting quietly at his desk, can look like a teacher’s dream. But he may be too diffident to ask for help if he doesn’t understand an assignment.

If your child’s shyness is so extreme that she’s missing out on activities appropriate for her age—if she literally can’t take part in classroom activities or extracurriculars—talk to a pediatrician or psychologist.

Is it shyness, or social phobia?

Shyness and social anxiety disorder are related but not the same. It’s possible to be very shy without social phobia.

Both may blush, sweat, or feel their hearts beating faster in a stressful social situation. Both may need to work on their social skills (problems making eye contact or finding a comfortable conversational rhythm).

Shyness may come and go, and does not cause serious problems with day-to-day functioning. Social anxiety disorder is persistent, much more disruptive to daily life, and leads to more avoidance of situations.

The National Institute of Mental Health has more information on social anxiety disorder at http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/social-phobia/index.shtml

Help for shy teens

Adolescence is a time of major physical, social and emotional change. So it’s no surprise that the teen years are especially challenging for the shy. All teenagers are self-conscious, but shyness turns up the volume on these feelings. Research shows that for shy kids, adolescence is linked to increased risk taking, substance use, and unsafe sexual behaviors.

“Shy boys have an extra burden in that, in this culture, they are expected to be more socially assertive,” notes Dr. Carducci. This can make them more likely to try “liquid extroversion”: using alcohol to tamp down anxiety in social situations. “The problem is that when you become social after drinking, you attribute the success to the alcohol,” says Dr. Carducci. “This then increases the likelihood of engaging in that behavior again.”

He notes that girls tend to deal with their shyness through conformity: getting involved in cliques, following what other girls do, how they dress, and how they talk.  This leaves them more vulnerable to peer pressure.

As Dr. Henderson points out, shy girls often start dating later than their peers, but “may then have more risk-taking behaviors; they’re less likely to be assertive, or to ask their partner to use a condom.” She stresses that parents of teens need to talk with them about their right to speak up if they aren’t comfortable.

Here are some strategies for shy teens:

• Get a part-time job in a social setting, such as a fast-food counter. This kind of job provides a clear script to follow, reducing the stress of constantly meeting new people. And, fellow workers often turn into friends.

• Studies suggest that team sports or other group activities may reduce social anxiety for shy teens. If possible, pick an activity that allows you to build up or show off your talents.

• Another way for shy people to expand their social network is through the Internet. Chatrooms and newsgroups make it easier to meet others who share your interests. No one can see you blush in a computer chat session.

For more on coping with shyness…

The American Academy of Pediatrics has advice for parents concerned about their shy children at
http://www.aap.org/publiced/BK5_Shy.htm

The American Psychological Association has a shyness resource page at: http://www.apa.org/topics/topicshyness.html

Take a shyness self-test by Jonathan Cheek, Ph.D. at http://www.wellesley.edu/Psychology/Cheek/howshy.html

The Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast offers a step-by-step guide to making successful small talk at http://homepages.ius.edu/Special/Shyness/ (click on “FAQs”)

Teens looking for additional ideas might pick up The Shyness Workbook for Teens (Bernardo J. Carducci, Research Press, 2007).

Read about “holiday survival for the ultra shy”:
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/features/holiday-survival-for-ultra-shy

Other sources for this article:

Chavira, D.A., Stein, M.B., & Malcarne, V.L. (2002). Scrutinizing the relationship between shyness and social phobia. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 16, 585-598.

Fox, N.A., Henderson, H.A., Marshall, P.J. et al. (2005). Behavioral inhibition: Linking biology and behavior within a developmental framework. Annual Review of Psychology, 56, 235-262.

Miller, S.R., & Coll, E. (2007). From social withdrawal to social confidence: Evidence for possible pathways. Current Psychology, 26, 86-101

Smoller, J.W., Paulus, M.P., Fagerness, J.A., et al. (2008). Influence of RGS2 on anxiety-related temperament, personality, and brain function. Archives of General Psychiatry, 65, 298-308.